Thoughts
by aerith13
Summary: Cloud finds Aerith lost in thought about who she, and what she's destined to do


He found her sitting on the roof, just outside of her window. Her knees were

drawn up to her chest, and she was hugging them close. Her brown boots were off and were casually thrown by her side, the laces undone. Her red jacket was also off, but nowhere to be seen; she probably left it inside. It was a warm night.

She wasn't smiling. It was strange to see. It's not that she was always smiling, but he had never seen her frown. Now, she was staring intently at the stars, and there was nothing in her gaze that suggested happiness.

"Hey," Cloud said from inside the window. She jumped at his voice and immediately looked his way. She gave him a small smile, but not one that convinced him that she was alright.

"Hi," Aerith answered back in a breathy voice. He expected her to say something else, like she usually did. She was often the one who picked up the conversation, knowing that he himself couldn't think of anything to say.

"You ok?" he asked, missing a few beats.

"Oh yeah," she answered quickly. "Just thinking. A lot's happened, you know?" He nodded agreeing. "Do you want to come out here and sit with me?"

"I didn't mean to interrupt," he said quickly. "No one had seen you in a while and I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm ok," she said with a laugh. "I didn't think you were looking for an invitation, Cloud. The invitation is coming from me. You can sit, but you don't have to. Your choice."

He looked at her for a moment before deciding to climb out onto the roof.

"It's pretty out here, don't you think?" she asked.

"I guess."

"It's better than looking out the window," she explained. "You don't have a frame in the way of your view. It's just you and… well, that!" she said, gesturing to the city lights. Cloud only nodded his head in agreement.

Aerith didn't say anything after that. Normally, silence wouldn't have bothered him. But he kept thinking of the frown he had seen on her face, and he felt like he should say something. The silence was awkward. He looked for a way to ease into conversation, hoping she would speak what was on her mind.

"What were you thinking about?" Cloud asked after minutes of quiet.

"When? Just now?"

"No, when I first came out here." He waited. "It looked like I interrupted your thoughts."

"Nothing important. Just thoughts," she said with that same, empty smile. For the first time, Aerith lied to him. He could tell by the way she wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Well, what kind of thoughts?" he pressed. She didn't answer him right away.

"I don't know. I guess, for the first time since we started this, I just stopped and thought about everything that's happened, you know? This is the first time I've really stopped and considered how far we've come." He continued to listen, and she mistook it for misunderstanding. "Not physically," she laughed. "I just mean, it seems like we've learned a lot. All of us. I feel like I've learned a lot about who I am."

She turned to him, and for the first time that night, she spoke to him directly.

"Do you think I've changed?" she asked earnestly.

"Changed?" Cloud scratched the back of his head. "I'm not really sure what you mean."

"Do you think I've changed?" she repeated. "My personality, or anything?"

"I don't think so, no," he replied, hoping that was the answer she wanted to hear. "Where's this coming from?" She seemed to consider how best to answer him.

"I know a lot more about where I come from now. I have a much better understanding of what the Ancients are meant to do, and how they're connected to the planet." She stopped and closed her eyes, shaking her head. "I mean we. How we're connected to the planet. You too, sure, but the ancients, specifically."

She looked to him, seeing that he followed her train of thought.

"Cloud… do you think that we're defined by who we are?" She laughed. "That doesn't make sense." she rubbed her forehead, casually. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out how I can explain this… Do you think that I have to be an ancient? Just because I have their blood doesn't mean I have to be an ancient, right? I can choose to be… normal?"

He looked down.

"I don't know. Maybe," he said, using the word to buy him some time. "I was a SOLDIER. It's not what I was born to be, but in the end, it's what they made me. With the mako infusion. That's in my blood, but I chose not to follow it. I think you always have a choice." He met her eyes when he spoke these last word, and was surprised to see that hers were filled with tears. She quickly turned away, trying to hide them.

"So you don't believe in destiny?"

"Aerith, where's this coming from?" She shrugged.

"I don't know… it seems like the ancients have a destiny. Don't you think so?"

"I don't think it was my destiny to stay with ShinRa," he stated. "If you want to talk about destiny, I think mine was to go against what they made me." She nodded.

"Right… that makes sense."

He searched for a clue as where this was all coming from.

"You don't want to be ancient?" he asked gently.

She was still for a moment, then looked at him and smiled. The city lights reflected on the tears tracks down her cheek. He so desperately wanted to reach over and brush them away. Instead, he just waited for her.

"Can I get back to you?" She laughed, and bumped her shoulder into his. She was trying to make the conversation go away. He played along, staring back out at the city.

"It just scares me sometimes, is all," she seemed to conclude. "I think about where it's all leading and… I don't know." She looked back at him. "Don't you ever get scared?"

His brow creased. He had never really thought about it before.

"Sometimes. But, you know, we were trained not to be scared. No use having a SOLDIER who'll stop in his tracks. We have to keep moving. Can't stop for anything. It was always the mission that counted, no matter the cost."

Aerith considered his words.

"Right. You couldn't be afraid of death. Death is what you would face during every mission, I suppose."

"Yeah." He could see her studying his face as he continued to watch the lights.

"Why aren't you afraid of death?" He looked at her and met her burning gaze. She asked the question with such emergency that he was taken aback.

"What do you mean?"

"How can you face it and not be afraid?"

"It's…like I said… we were trained to think the mission was more important. Death was… a sacrifice that we were willing to make." He couldn't explain it any better than that. She continued to stare.

"Do you still think that way?" After a moment, he answered.

"Yes." He was sure. "But the mission is different. At least now I'm convinced that this mission is… right. It's honest. It's good. So yes, I think I would be willing to sacrifice myself for it." She nodded, seeming to understand. When she looked away, their topic of discussion finally hit Cloud.

"Why are you asking Aerith?" There wasn't even curiosity in his voice- only a serious question. She gave him a small smile.

"Because I admire you," she answered simply. He waited for more, but nothing came.

"I don't know if it's something to be admired."

"Cloud, you are the most courageous person I've ever met. You always do what's right." He felt himself blush, but she didn't seem to take notice. "I don't want to be scared."

"Of death?" he asked.

"Ultimately, yes, I suppose"

"Don't say that. It's stupid to act without thinking about the consequences."

"What?" she asked, laughing. "But you do it!"

"Yea, well, I never said I wasn't stupid," he said seriously, which made her laugh harder.

"Why don't you ever laugh?" she said when she had regained her breath. "It feels good to laugh." She seemed to be talking more to herself than to him.


End file.
